What Should I Do?

So if anyone has somehow read my other posts, which I really don’t think anyone has because they don’t know the passwords to read them which is what I wanted. Anyway if anyone has read the other posts they probably know that I was really depressed about my last relationship ending and I din’t now what I wanted.. Now though I got over it. Which was hard for me and it took a lot out of me to really think about what I wanted, and what I was going to do to improve on myself. Now I’m in another relationship, well I guess I was in another relationship. That has now gone astray and I’m have no fucking idea what I am going to do.

Let me start out at the beginning of what happened and how I found myself in another relationship even after I told myself that I was to take a break from all of it. I’m going to try and summarize what happened and how I got into the position I’m in right now. So about a month ago I started talking to a girl that I work with, she was hard core flirting with me all the time and I thought to myself “fuck it, lets see what happens”. Which was exactly what I did. I started talking to her we started hanging out and things started progressing. I was trying not to let things progress as fast as they did before because I didn’t want to end up hurting myself and didn’t want to go through the same thing that I just barely did. So I am trying to take things kinda slow but keep things moving forward between the two of us. About a week or two later I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend because it just felt right and I could tell that the two of us were at a point where that is what both of us wanted. So I asked her and she said yes, about a week later my ex texted me and told me that she missed me and it brought back a whole shit ton of feelings that I thought I got over. So me being the person I am I talked to the person I was, am, well lets just say that we are still together for now. So I talked to her and told her that I wasn’t sure what I wanted and that I wanted to talk to my ex and try and figure things out which I felt and still feel horrible about. So she said that she completely understands and told me to take all the time I need to figure things out because she still wanted to be with me. I told her that while I am figuring things out I still wanted to talk to her and that if anything comes up where she wants so start seeing someone else she is more than welcome to and I will be okay with it.

So with that happening my ex and I figured out a time that we wanted to meet and talk to one another about what happened and that’s what we did. When I went to talk to her I told her that I started seeing someone else and that I wanted to talk to her to see how she felt and what she wanted to happen. She told me that she missed me and still wanted to be in a relationship with me and everything BUT she didn’t trust me and wasn’t sure if she would be able to trust me. When she said that I thought to myself that yes we could start dating again but it will probably end the same way if not worse. So I decided that I didn’t want to be with her, and I wanted to be with lets call her Sam. Sam is the current person that I am was seeing. So with me still talking to Sam I didn’t directly tell her that I wanted to be with her, but I made it pretty obvious that she was the person I wanted to be with.

So Sam and I were already hanging out any everything and things started to progress more than they did before. One night when I was with Sam I asked her if she loved me and her response was perfect! She told me that she typically falls in love with someone a lot faster than they usually fall in love with them. At this point I already knew that I loved her and that I wanted us to last and she became a really important person to me. So with her answer to my question if she loved me I knew that she did so I told her first that I loved her. At that moment she had something that she wanted for a while and she had a glow to her that I never saw before. She told me that she loved me and it ended up making the both of us cry. Fast forward a few weeks and us constantly texting and always wanting to be around each other. She told me that her ex, lets call him Baka. So Baka texted her that he missed her and that he wanted to settle down with her. When she told me this my heart dropped and I didn’t know what to do or think.. She said that didn’t know what she wanted anymore and she wasn’t sure what to do. So a few night after that we ended up hanging out and I got to talk to her a little about what she wanted me to stop doing, I asked her if she wanted me to give her space and stop texting her and telling her that I love her and kissing her. She said that she didn’t want that and that it was okay if I still did it. So I was a little relived and had less of an heartache that I did before. Well that was until last night. Yesterday he texted her and told her that he wanted to propose to her when they go to Las Vegas for a mutual friends wedding. At the same time she said that it made things more complicated and she told me that we should just stay friends for now.

With all of that happening I got super drunk last night so I didn’t have to feel and I know that’s the opposite of what I should have done. With the help of my friends even though I was super drunk and text people weird things when I’m drunk they helped me out and got me to a point of me wanting to sober up before I talked about it with her. So I told her that I was a little surprised about that and I wanted time to think about it and talk to her in person about it more. She said that was completely alright. So today at work I asked her if she was doing anything after work to see if I could have a chance to talk to her about it, and she said that she is probably going to drive a co worker home because he isn’t feeling too well, and after that she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day.. So now I’m here writing this not knowing what is going to happen. I know what I want to happen and I want to be with her. I want us and I want it to last. The only thing I can do know is just be here and be myself and work on me while all of this happens. When I get to talk to her in person I hope it’s not going to be when she tells me that she is going to stop things with me and chose him because that will devastate me. I also know that I want to tell her how I feel and that I do truly love her and that I want to be with her. In the end though as long as she is happy than that’s fantastic because she deserves to be happy even if it’s not with me.

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